


Today, Remember Nothing

by bbwrites



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel (Comics), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Brainwashing, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Character Study, Dissociation, Guilt, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt No Comfort, Hydra (Marvel), I PROMISE IT MAKES SENSE, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Memories, Memory Loss, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, POV Bucky Barnes, POV Third Person, Past Brainwashing, Recovered Memories, Red Room (Marvel), Reminiscing, Repressed Memories, and natasha isn't even mentioned by name, some references to the great gatsby, steve n nat are only mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:35:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28272492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbwrites/pseuds/bbwrites
Summary: Bucky remembers how it feels to be alive-If he remembered 1961, he would think of the wall, and call this mental block an iron curtain. He used to be funny like that.
Kudos: 3





	Today, Remember Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from Medea by Euripides. It's set in the immediate aftermath of the bridge scene during captain america: the winter soldier and is basically just Bucky being emo. Mostly mcu canon but there are some comics tidbits sprinkled in :).

Bucky doesn't remember the times when he remembers he is a human being. It sounds strange, but that's how it works. It happens after most assignments when he's been out too long. After the killing is done, before his handlers close in on him again. A cruel half hour. 

He has no memory of ever looking down at his arms and seeing two limbs made of flesh and blood. He doesn't remember his family or friends. He doesn't remember childhood scrapes turning into scars he carries even now. He doesn't remember reading the Great Gatsby, which he thought was _fine_ , nothing more (Steve loved it, Bucky never understood why). He has no memory of the war, or Steve, or the train. He doesn't remember the 20s, the 30s, the 40s, the 50s, the 60s, the 70s, and so on. 

He actually remembers all of this, but his handlers have scrambled his brain so expertly. Now all of his memories are kept hidden behind a wall.

(If he remembered 1961, he would think of _the_ wall, and call this mental block an iron curtain. He used to be funny like that.)

In the few minutes he actually remembers, he thinks everything is a planted memory, something fake to confuse and distort him. Yet he still looks back. He thinks of these memories as a planted punishment, but he still indulges himself. If these memories serve him right, he thinks he must deserve this severe of a punishment. 

A childhood in Indiana, the war, whatever the hell happened in Russia (he still thinks of it as the USSR), and then whatever happened after that is all scrambled in his head. His friends from childhood (many), his friends from the army (again a great many), his friends in Russia (one), his friends from after that (none). A deluge of memories so hellish that it's almost a relief when he's led back into the chair. The shocks feel comforting, when his mind is wiped blank and the memories dissipate in a puff of smoke. It feels good when becomes nothing more but a machine once again. 

Sometime in the 60s, when his hair was shorn short in line with Party dictated regulations for its soldiers and when people still called him comrade, he rethought his stance on Gatsby. He was relatively free that decade, in that he was allowed to walk around conscious of himself. He could recall the process of remembering then, but not the actual memories. It was then when he delved into his past with reckless abandon at every available moment. That's when he started to understand Gatsby and his incessant need to go back into the past, following a green light he will never reach. Boats beating against the current, and all that. 

When he recognizes the man on the bridge-- well, it's not recognition, the man's appearance sparks something in his mind, but it is not really recognition, just a feeling he no longer knows how to place. When he _sees_ the man his system is thrown off. It's the sixties all over again, like the awful few minutes after every mission. He doesn't know all of this, of course, his memory is a funny, fragmented thing. 

His human curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, "Who was the man on the bridge?"

The man standing in front of him frowns, and soon enough he's back in the chair. His mind goes blissfully blank. He remembers no more. 


End file.
